Posted by: expectingamiracle | July 13, 2009

It just is

I wrote a post a few days ago but then deleted it because I thought it sounded whiny.

The gist of it is that I have been feeling pretty down lately.  Things are tougher than I imagined they would be at 2.5 months and I worried that it was because I’m just not a very good mother.  Some of it is comparing my baby/schedule/ability to (not) get out of the house and resume some semblance of normal life to others with babies the same age.

I’ve talked to a few different people and finally realized that I need to cut myself some slack.  I tend to be a perfectionist.  When things don’t go right I beat myself up about it.  And with a baby, there is a lot that I cannot control.  I can’t let myself take it as a personal failure each time I can’t get him to take a nap or go to bed or stop crying.  Sometimes it just IS that way.

So it’s harder than I expected.  So my baby doesn’t sleep as much as he should.  So it takes over 3 hours to get him to go to bed at night (ack).  So what?  I’m trying to remind myself, it doesn’t make me any less of a mother and it doesn’t make him any less of a wonderful baby.  (I don’t like the whole “oh I had a good baby, oh I had an easy baby” thing, that means mine is “bad” or “difficult”? Don’t think so.)

I will survive this stage.  It too, will pass.  As my mom said “Someday you’ll look back on this and…well, maybe you won’t laugh.”  Me: “Cringe, maybe?”  

 I am mostly kidding.  I will smile with just a tiny cringe, I think, because  I will also remember what it was like to have those big blue eyes gazing up at me and that contented sigh as he nurses.

He is on Prevacid now for reflux after many battles with my husband.  I am really hoping that it helps him.  He really honestly is not sleeping enough hours,  and the pedi was concerned about it.  I do hope it IS the reflux that is causing the sleep issues so that he can get some relief.  I’ve had a gut feeling that something is just not right, even though he is a “happy spitter” a lot of the time, I worry during the times he spits up and starts wailing right afterwards.

It’s not all bad, I promise.  I do realize that.  I know I need to ease up on the worry and the self doubt and focus more on that beautiful smile and that sweet dimple.

My boy and I.  Somehow or another, we’ll be okay.

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Responses

  1. Newborns are SO hard. I haven’t been there in terms of motherhood AFTER infertility, but I can imagine that you kind of feel like “I’ve finally made it!” when you give birth, and then suddenly you have this very difficult task ahead of you just when you’re feeling like the hard part should be behind you.
    It sounds like you’re having some of the same issues with Matthew as I had with D. D was on Zantac for several months because of acid reflux. (He would scream and cry as he was eating, which broke my heart.)
    Please try not to beat yourself up. D is almost two, and I’m finally getting to a point where I get to take a shower before he gets up every day. Showers are SO hard to squeeze in at the beginning. Trips to the store are a trial. It’s so amazingly hard. The crying/napping/eating thing is hard too. You’re so right that it’s out of your control. He’s still really little right now. Babies cry when they’re little, and they fight sleep, and they make your life really hard. Luckily, you have so much to look forward to with that sweet little guy. Don’t worry, my dear. One look at that face and anyone can tell that you’re doing a great job.

  2. Yes, one way or another you will be ok. And, in a few years you and your hubby will find each other saying things like, “Hey, do you remember when he used to spit up – like – all the time??” with faces vaguely reminicsant of the actual event!

  3. Very glad to hear you are feeling better.

  4. GOOD mothers are the only ones who are concerned that they aren’t good. Bad moms don’t care if they are or not. 🙂
    YOUR A GOOD MOM! (now repeat to self over and over again).
    I think you sound like a normal mom of a newborn…or at least one that is actually telling the truth of whats up. I think some moms play it up as more wonderful because they are nervous they will be viewed bad if they don’t have the “perfect eater/sleeper/player/grower/etc”. There is a TON of social pressure for babies to be a certain way—and thats just not in the baby’s plans. Their babies—they don’t get the social/cultural norm memos! LOL Just listen to your gut (let that little perfectionist part of your brain go to sleep), follow babies cues and you guys will be just GREAT together!


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