Posted by: expectingamiracle | April 18, 2009

April 18

April 18, 2008  was Thomas’ due date.  If he had lived I would have a one year old child right now.  It’s weird to think that.

I wanted to cut flowers and put them at his angel in my garden (as I did last year and also what I did on his angelversary) but it rained all day.

David made blueberry pankcakes, I made sausage and cheese omelettes.  Then we spent most of the day napping (blame the rain).  David curled up behind me with his hand resting on my belly.

I don’t know what to think or how to feel.  I’m in such a different place than I was a year ago and in a way, I feel guilty about it.  That I should be feeling more grief than I do.  That I should have done something special on this date or even just talked to someone about it.  But I didn’t. 

I guess it is enough for me to just remember.  Remember my first little baby and how much I loved him.  To know how much I still love him.

Dear One

I never got to feel you kick,
or watch my belly grow.
Instead I often wonder
why it is you had to go.

I never got to see your smile,
hear you laugh or hear you cry.
Instead I search for answers
but there is no reason why.

I never got to hold you close,
and rock you into sleep.
Instead I hold you in my heart
until next time we meet.

So many dreams that I have lost
since you’re not here with me.
For now you are my angel
and a soft, sweet memory.

But I didn’t miss it all,
precious baby, that is true.
For I’ll always be your mommy
and forever, I’ll love you.

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Responses

  1. Sitting with you as you remembered on Thomas’s day. Exactly what you did WAS a memorial – there’s nothing better than a special breakfast, sleep and the affirmative touch of his daddy.

    ((hugs))

  2. You have remembered your child, there are no rules here. We write them as we live. The pain of your loss has dimmed, but the love is still there. 🙂
    We will always remember our angels, but how we do it is our own, whether its a special thought when we see something precious or flowers.

    Blessings to you as your due date approaches.

    And to Thomas, you are remembered. You were here for only a short time, but merely by being created…you were loved and are loved still.

  3. Here with you as you remember your Thomas. I am so sorry for your loss.

  4. It’s so hard to remember, but loving our live babies doesn’t take anything away from the memories of those that didn’t make it. You have so much to be happy about right now, and nothing to apologize for.


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