Posted by: expectingamiracle | September 5, 2008

Joy and Sorrow

Less than a week to go until my ultrasound and I’m getting much more nervous.  I started down that road of imagining what it would be like to be told there was no heartbeat.  What it would be like to call or email everyone and tell them we had lost the baby.  What it would feel like miscarry again.   Obviously not a nice road to go down.

And so I find myself having this strange mix of wanting that ultrasound and being told all is fine but also dreading it at the same time.  Less than week to go and the thought has crossed my mind that each day that passes could be one of the last days that I have with this baby.  Loss is not a pretty thing.

Despite this I’m trying to stay positive.  It’s easier at home than at work, although I have no idea why.  Other than the fact that work is not the most pleasant place to be these days. 

I’m trying to keep busy.  Or as busy as I can with my fatigue and propensity towards naps.  I’ve started inventorying all the baby things that I got from my other SIL over a year ago.  Most of it is from 2004 so I need to check for recalls and see what I will and won’t use.

For the first week or so after I found out I was pregnant, I woke up each morning with a smile on my face and butterflies in my tummy because I would remember each morning anew, that I was pregnant.  A little less than a year ago I would wake up and not even feel like getting out of bed.  I was in misery each morning because I would wake up and remember that I wasn’t pregnant anymore.  Joy and sorrow.  How easily we can swing from one to the other. 

I don’t feel like it is asking too much for me to stay on the joy side, this time.  Stay with me, baby.



  1. I know the feeling Shannon. I know wanting to be excited but afraid to let yourself get too attatched. I remember wanting to get that first ultrasound over with and being anxious and dreading it at the same time. Unfortunately last time I didn’t get good news but I know you will! Take it one day at a time and enjoy EVERY minute that you are pregnant…until 40 weeks!! I know it is easier said than done but try not to worry unless you have something to worry about. That is going to be my motto from now on!!

  2. This worry takes the fun out of pregnancy, for sure. I don’t think I took an easy breath until 24 weeks with any of my pregnancies after losing my first little darling.
    Try to take the joy and soak it up. Banish those worries with your love for your little bean. Just a couple of days to wait and then you’ll hear that blessed heart beating.
    You CAN DO this. Hang in there!

  3. I hate trying to be comforting to someone I don’t know, and whose pregnancy fears I don’t haven’t experienced, but please know that another expectant mommy out there in the blogosphere is cheering you on and hoping for the ABSOLUTE BEST for yourself and your little one.

  4. It is such a hard place to be, and you described it perfectly.

    Just place it at God’s feet and allow yourself to enjoy one day at a time.

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