Posted by: expectingamiracle | August 10, 2008

One Year Ago

One year ago, I found out I was pregnant.

I don’t even know how I feel right now. I feel happy in a bittersweet way when I look back and remember how happy and shocked I was when I saw that second line. I really couldn’t believe that it was real. I’m grateful for the time I had with Thomas and the time that I got to love him while he was here, but angry and sad that he couldn’t stay.

I never thought I’d be here a year later, with no baby. Or for that matter, no pregnancy either.

Even though it makes me sad, I don’t want to forget. I could never forget even if I tried. But it does feel like it was a lifetime ago. Instead of feeling closer to the day when I finally hold a baby, I feel like it is so much further away than it was a year ago. My loss date will be here in September. If I don’t get pregnant this cycle, I won’t be pregnant on Thomas’ 1 year angelversary. I don’t even know how I will be able to stand that. I feel like it’s too much to have to deal with not only loss, but also fertility problems.

I was telling Dh yesterday that I hate that I don’t know what caused my loss. I hate that I haven’t had testing done to see if there is a problem with me, something that could be prevented. I don’t want to say this the wrong way because I know everyone has a lot invested in their next pregnancy, but I feel like I have SO MUCH emotionally invested in my next pregnancy. With as long as it is taking to even GET pregnant a second time, I feel like it just HAS to work. But I know it might not, and then what? Another year or more to get pregnant again and hope that the 3rd time is different?

Anyway, I’ve been working on a slideshow of my pregnancy.

So for those of you who are interested, here it is:


  1. I am so sorry you are hurting. Your slide show was lovely I know that is no consolation but it is. I often wonder what is screwed up and how some people get to be parents and others do not. It doesnt make sense.

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