Posted by: expectingamiracle | May 9, 2008

Fireflies

La di da.  I had my bloodwork drawn today.  David has a semen analysis next Tuesday.  I can’t help but think he is getting the better end of that deal since I will be getting the sample cup, transporting the sample to the lab and oh yes, assisting with the collection.  Ha.

I have a few more things to think about after speaking to a nurse(?) who worked at the RE’s office that will be doing the semen analysis.  Monitoring to make sure I don’t have any cysts?  HSG…eventually?  Plus questions I already had.  Accupuncture?  Monitoring to see how many follicles I get on the Femara?  How many cycles of Femara?  All things to discuss with my doctor.

So we’re moving along.  Right now I am just trying to get past Mother’s Day.  The gist of that is…I feel like the fact that I was pregnant with Thomas should count for something.  No, I don’t have a baby in my arms.  But I was a mother once I saw that second line and I loved and still love that baby with all my heart.  So it matters to me.  It just doesn’t matter to (most of) the rest of the world.  And that hurts.

So I’m laying low at home.  MIL emailed to mention that it would be nice if we came to visit since the grandparents would be at their house, plus FIL’s birthday is on Friday.  But, that visit is so not happening.  I am not in a place to be all cheery “Happy Mother’s Day MIL!”  OR deal with the conversations that will inevitably take place about SIL’s pregnancy.  I don’t know of any developments in that area, as far as whether she is keeping the baby or placing it for adoption.  I can say, that after thinking about, and thinking about how I would feel if I were more “neutral”, I do think it would be best if she gave the baby up for adoption.  Most of Deer’s family feels the same way (except for Deer).  But anyway.

I think I am in a better place as far as my loss goes.  There is a sense of acceptance that I know was not there in the months right after my loss.   I will never forget Thomas, I will always love him.  I hate the fact that I will never have him in my arms.  But at the same time, I am ready to love another baby.  I’m okay with the fact that this next baby will not be Thomas.  I am so ready I can’t stand it.

This evening, Deer and I took a walk by some woods near our subdivision.  We stood and watched a huge congregation of fireflies lazily hovering and blinking.  I have never seen so many, even though I grew up in the country.  Dusk was upon us and we walked along, watching the lights and talking about gathering pecans there next fall.  It was beautiful.  But it was incomplete.  Because I was still longing for our future child.  The one I want to show the fireflies.

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Responses

  1. Wishing you success with all of your bloodwork and hmm, the semen analysis. ;o) Sounds like a good time. Hah!

    I hope all of this proves to you both that you are healthy and awesomely prepared to bring new life to this world. I’ll be praying for good news.

    Happy Mother’s Day, my darling. Even if most of the modern world doesn’t recognize it, there is a whole community of mothers who would disagree. Spend the day with your sweetie and enjoy your day. Picture this: Thomas looking down from heaven and saying proudly “That’s MY mommy.”

    Blessings and Peace this weekend.


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