Posted by: expectingamiracle | May 1, 2008

Month 7

I truly believed it would happen this month.  It just felt like everything had gone right.  And now I find that I am more than likely wrong again, for the 7th month in a row.

I feel like I am broken, defective.  That I have failed, once again, to complete that part of myself.  I wish someone could tell me some magic way to fix whatever is wrong so I can make it right.  So that this time in my life can be over.  I am so ready to move on to the next phase.

I did have an epiphany several days ago.  I was thinking about when I get pregnant again, I am just going to love that baby as much as I can.  There is nothing to gain from holding back.  Trying to emotionally distance myself for fear that I will lose that baby also…it will do nothing for me.  If I lose my next baby, I will be heartbroken.  There is nothing I can do to spare myself that pain.

So I was thinking…isn’t it that same thing with trying to get pregnant?  I try to hold back and remind myself “It could never happen.  I could never hold my baby in my arms.”  Why do I do that?  Because I think I can prepare myself for that?  Keep it from being painful if it ends up happening?  It’s pointless.  If I never have a child, I will be heartbroken.  There is nothing I can do to change that either. 

So I am flinging myself whole heartedly into this.  I am letting myself dream of the day when I meet my child.  I am letting myself believe that it will happen.  I don’t know when.  I don’t know how.  I just know that I will try for as long as I have to and do whatever it takes to get there.  Because I want it more than anything.

I will keep on hoping, praying, trusting. 

It just hurts so very much…that it can’t be now.

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Responses

  1. Oh my gosh, this brought it all back to me and I just want to hug you.

    “I will keep on hoping, praying, trusting. ”

    Yes, that is the only way to get through it! Turn it over to God and trust Him. I know it sounds so very shallow, but it was the only thing that gave me peace in the midst of all the miscarriages.

  2. Oh, darling. I wish I could give you a magic pill to make your waiting and pain go away too. ((hugs))

    There is just nothing I can do except tell you that you are soooo not alone in your pain. There are many of us out there who know EXACTLY what you are going through. On your really tough days, try to feel me praying for you. Can you feel the strength I’m sending you? I do it every day and I’ve never even met you.

    Be strong, darling. You CAN perservere through this. Dream of that child you will someday hold in your arms. Don’t give up hope until all hope has been depleted and that is so far down the road you can’t even see it on the horizon.

    Blessings!


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