Posted by: expectingamiracle | March 7, 2008

Secret Garden

Can I just say that I got a negative pregnancy test and I did not fall apart and break down crying?  That is progress people.  My hopes were not up high this month and I guess that ended up being a good thing.  I’m sure there will still be days and months when I get upset (hopefully not too many more) but it was nice to not feel so…emotionally fragile…for once.  Deer heard the news and claimed that he will just have to try harder, whatever that means.  He also thoughtfully mentioned that it seemed best to have “long term hope but not short term hope” as in, hoping to get pregnant sooner or later but not expecting it that very month.  I can see the merit in that.  I’ll try.

We are on for a December baby now (if I were to get pregnant next month).  My mom predicted that it would probably happen whatever month I would least like to have a baby.  Yup, that would be December.  I have a December birthday.  The whole birthday being right close to Christmas thing?  I’m not so fond of it.  But I will take a healthy baby, any month or day. 

We’ve still been working outside.  And I decided to buy something as a memorial for our Dear One.  He has no grave and I decided…I need a place for him.  One of my regrets about my miscarriage is that I gave all the remains to my OB’s office so they could make sure the miscarriage was complete.  I don’t think there was any point to that; they did an ultrasound to make sure everything was out anyway.  I would have rather buried him, but I wasn’t thinking of that at the time.  But anyway I found this:

baby-statue.jpg

And I decided to put it in our front flower bed.  The one that has been deemed “mine” and consists of me throwing a hodge podge of plants that I like together.  I put the angel baby beneath the roses, nestled in amongst the plants.  I know that my baby is someplace far more beautiful.  But it’s nice to have a place on earth that is his. 

If you came up the walkway to my front door you might not even notice.  And even if you did, would you know the love and pain that little statue symbolizes?  Would you see the beauty of this place?  Would you see a little piece of my heart?

She’ll lead you down a path
There’ll be tenderness in the air
She’ll let you come just far
enough
So you know she’s really there
She’ll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She’s got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

babygarden1.jpg

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Responses

  1. That statue is awesome. What a tribute to your little one. Who cares if no one notices it, you know its there. You have a beautiful little flower garden. I hope Spring gets here soon, so I can enjoy some flowers too….

    Its good that you are trying to focus on the future instead of each month. Be careful what you wish for, I’ve had floods and ice storms for 2 of my labors. Ha, no ideal time weatherwise for these surprises. And you are right December would be a little to close to Christmas, but then again, I have a January baby and we often almost FORGET hers. Poor child :o)

    It gets easier…not completely, but you do feel distance with time that passes. Hoping for peace to settle into your heart when you need to test again next month.

    Blessings!

  2. That is the sweetest statue ever. I love it.

    I know all too well the place you are in. It sure hurts. Consider yourself hugged today, okay?

    Jody


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