Posted by: expectingamiracle | March 5, 2008

Synopsis: I love internet people

I’m going to attempt to blog more in hopes that it will be therapeutic.  I harbored illusions at one point that I shouldn’t write unless I had something happy to say, because, damn, my blog is depressing.  But, who cares?  This blog is a snapshot of tiny fragments of my life.  I am not always sad and/or angry.  But that tends to be what comes out here and I guess that’s okay if that’s what I need to blog about. 

My mom is my biggest supporter but I get the feeling lately that she is just ready for me to…move on.  She still listens, she’s still there for me.  It’s just this feeling that I think maybe she’s worried about me.  That I should be in a different place than I am now.

 Deer listens.  And then comments that the reason why I am not pregnant yet is because I am stressing out about it.  At which point I roll my eyes at him.   And in fact when I was lamenting over someone at work who I found out is pregnant, and does not want to be (newlywed) and asked him “Why is it that the people who DON’T want to get pregnant, DO get pregnant and the people that DO want to get pregnant, DON’T.”  And his response was “Maybe because the people who do want to get pregnant are freaking out about it. ” 

What. Ever.

Do I have stress?  Yes.  Do I think it is any more than is “reasonable”?  No. 

He doesn’t say much when I talk about the baby.   He is not one to be overly emotional in general.  He was sad, then he moved on because he figures there is no reason to continue being sad.  Simple as that.  It’s just the way he is.

Oh but I love the internet.  I am addicted to an online forum, a subset of which is chock full of women just like me who have lost babies.  And they get it.  For that I am grateful.  And of course for those who I have met through blogging, who have emailed/posted to offer support.  I love that when real life people suck, there are internet people to pick you up, dust you off and agree with you about how much real life people (and life itself) sucks sometimes.

Surprisingly, my friend and co-worker L has also been very supportive.  She’s a very fun and likeable person but she always has drama going on in her life and many times doesn’t have much time/energy to hear about someone else’s goings ons.  But still she is always there at work to reassure me that it will happen for me one day.  That one day the sadness and worry will be over.  She mentioned a couple weeks back that she got an email from our mutual friend P, who is now living in India.  So I asked L to forward me the email.  Several times.  L would say “okay” but then she’d never do it.  Then it occured to me that perhaps P was pregnant, and L was shielding me from this news.  But then I figured I was just being paranoid.  Until another co-worker (who knows about my miscarriage) out of the blue came up to me and said “Oh did you hear that P is pregnant?”.   It was all I could do to keep from crying at work the rest of the evening.  And I love P.  But as I told L, I am happy for her.  But I am sad for me.  Even though I suspected it, it still hit me to find out I was right.  And it hurt. 

I emailed L and she confirmed that she didn’t want to be the one to tell me that P was pregnant and that she was sorry.  It touched me though.  She knew how it would make me feel and she tried to keep me from this pain.   I feel a little less lonely to know that she cared enough to do that.

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Responses

  1. Its hard to be happy and sad for someone at the same time. It is unbelievable how many people you notice getting pregnant when all you want to be is pregnant. I get it. Blessings, all these children, but its hard to feel completely happy for someone else without feeling your loss all over again.

    And the deer thing. My husband was sort of the same way. He told me that my pregnancy never seemed totally real to him, although he grieved as I did over the loss. Its harder for him, because he didn’t have that feeling of sickness that I had at the very beginning of it all. Also, that feeling of absolute hollowness in his belly after I lost that dear sweet child. It amazed me how that tiny quarter sized being could make me feel so empty for so long.

    It does get better. You will move on to feeling only melancholy about this whole ordeal. You will also obsess about every period until you DO get pregnant again. It is so hard not too. Unfortunately, your husband is probably right on this too. Worry does sometimes affect your ability to conceive. I’ve seen a number of people try for years, then adopt and get pregnant nearly at the same time. Once they stopped worrying it happened.

    I stressed for months and did finally conceive. You will too.

    Blessings!

  2. I love internet people too! It is hard when no one IRL understands your pain but always remember that we do. And you are right…this is YOUR blog and you can post whatever “depressing” thing you want. I do find blogging about my journey somewhat therapuetic. It is also a way for my friends and family to “get” me a little better and understand where I am coming from. I hope it helps you too!


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