Posted by: expectingamiracle | March 1, 2008

Wondering

But will it make me a better mother?  Will I cherish my next child any more than I would have cherished my first?  That is what I am wondering.  Because, you see, I did not take my pregnancy for granted.  I already knew how precious that little baby was.  I knew.  I saw my brother and sister in law struggle to get pregnant.  I saw how grateful they were to have a baby.  And I promised myself that I would be grateful also.  And I was. 

It seems to me that there should be some silver lining to this.  Something good that comes out of it.  My mother insists the child I have will be so special and so loved.  But I can’t imagine loving a baby any more than I loved my first. 

And in some ways, won’t it make me a worse mother?  I already tend to be a worrier.  How much more will I be now?  I’ve felt my heart ache with unbearable pain and I know I’d do anything to avoid that again.  I would think that might lead to a sheltered child; a mom who is afraid to let her child do anything that might be the least bit dangerous. 

You know what else?  I hate being jealous.  I hate going onto Myspace and seeing pictures of my ex-boyfriend’s brand new perfect baby girl.  I hate his smiling face.  I hate that he broke my heart over and over and yet he gets what I want most and I don’t.  I hate myself for even caring.

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Responses

  1. I found myself smiling as I read this post. I “get” your jealous feelings completely. The way I got around mine was to write little notes to my lost little one. I journaled till I felt I couldn’t journal anymore. Tell this little one how your day was or maybe what you would have done together.

    You will get through this and you will be a spectacular mom because of it. You will be this, because you have ALREADY mothered a child. You know the emotional impact of having a child grow inside of you. Yeah, your gonna be terrified the entire pregnancy when you do get pregnant, but you will do everything right because of it. I used to swear at those moms who get pregnant after a night of partying or those teenage accidents. I would think “why is it so easy for those people who don’t even want their baby, when I want mine so desperately and can’t do it”

    Patience and Love are what will get you through this. It is so easy to say and so hard to live, but reality is so rarely easy.
    Blessings!


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