Posted by: expectingamiracle | January 11, 2008

A really long post

So parts of Christmas were a blast.  I loved having my family come stay with us in our new house.  Christmas morning we watched the cats go nutso over a catnip toy and dared each other to eat Bertie Botts every flavor jelly beans (I had to spit out booger flavor).  I made Christmas lunch with help from Mom.  More family came over in the afternoon.
Mom had my brothers and I recreate her favorite Christmas photo of us.  I wanted to scan the one that is from about 15 years ago, but sadly, I cannot get the scanner to work.  Here’s this year’s pic though:

Siblings

P.S. Mom tried to get little brother to wear something besides the pirate shirt.  He protested loudly and she let it go.  :o)

That night found myself, Deer, little brother and little bro’s fiance all playing up in the gameroom.

Playing in the Game Room

Good times.

Christmas was not without it’s sadness though.  We went to Deer’s aunt’s house on Christmas Eve.  His cousin is pregnant and due in March (I would have been due in April) and we had been told her 3 boys were going to do a little Christmas pagent.  Okay.  Except the pagent involved said cousin as a very pregnant Mary, whereupon all of Deer’s family laughed and joked about how wonderful it was they had a pregnant woman to play Mary.  At which point I wished the earth would just swallow me whole.  It may not have been so, but at the time it felt like no one remembered or cared, that I too, had been pregnant.

Not only that, but the day after Christmas, visiting with my mother in law and grandmother in law ended up with them conversing about other people’s babies and how Deer’s other cousin (who has a 1 year old) is pregnant again.  And it hurt.  It hurt because I really thought they would realize that it is painful for me to hear about those things.  But I guess maybe they think I have “gotten over it”?

Now that Christmas has passed, I’m doing better.  I needed to let myself grieve a little more and I’m sure I will again in the future.  

Last weekend while Deer and I were waiting for new tires to get put on our car, we went to a little park right off the highway.  It has a pond and a baseball field.  We found a softball and baseball left behind.  And we just played.  Stickball, “do you think I can hit that tree with the ball”, “do you think I can throw the ball over the pond”, just the two of goofing off with each other.  And it was great.  It reminded me of how much I love to be outside.  And unfortunately there’s just not many great places nearby us.  Everytime I step into the woods I feel like I am breathing a little easier.  Maybe it is nature.  Maybe it is not having to be around other people.  Maybe it is God.  I don’t know, I just wish there were more places around here to explore.  This is where I really miss Austin. 

I miss this:

waterfall.jpg

 In other news, I am testing tomorrow.  Dare I say it?  I’m getting my hopes up, as always.

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Responses

  1. I really understand where you are coming from with this post. I went through it too. Everyone seemed to “forget” my pregnancy too, and it seemed EVERYONE was pregnant! Most times the people you are closest to don’t realize the pain they cause you with careless remarks. Stay strong!
    That picture looks like the perfect place to be at peace. I’ll be hoping you can put yourself in that happy place when you need it the most.
    Wishing you good luck with your test no matter the result.


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